Becoming More Psychologically Flexible Through Commitment

Over the past few columns, I've been talking about reducing stress by becoming more psychologically flexible. A few editions ago, I discussed the six components of psychological flexibility: Valued Living, Mindfulness, Acceptance, Commitment, Observing Self, and Disentanglement. In this post, I’ll focus on Commitment.

One could view Commitment as the flip side or action part of Acceptance. When you accept something and commit to it, you pledge to follow through with your plans. That involves taking action.

If you remember from the last column, Acceptance involves accepting this reality for what it is. Often this reality involves troubling thoughts and painful emotions that you want to control, avoid, or eliminate. Unfortunately, as we discussed in previous columns, the more you try to control, avoid, or eliminate these thoughts and feelings, the worse they get.

Commitment involves taking action while coexisting with your troubling thoughts and painful emotions. In a sense, you take them along for the ride as you shift your focus off of them and onto taking action that is consistent with your values. This is called taking values-congruent action.

The best example I can think of is being married, where you are mindful of the work and sacrifice involved in such a commitment, accept it, and co-exist with it while moving forward in the relationship. You don't let your troubling thoughts and painful emotions sidetrack you from doing what you need to do to keep the relationship strong and growing. Taking values-congruent action while co-existing with internal mental factors such as your troubling thoughts, painful emotions, and negative self-talk is hard work but it can be learned.

People often equate the pain and suffering related to internal factors with those associated with external factors such as the lack of financial resources, need for additional training and credentials, etc. These are external factors in the outside environment that are managed differently.

This is why it is important to understand and accept the difference between internal (mental) and external (environmental and behavioral) barriers to moving forward and meeting your goals. It is normal to have troubling thoughts and painful emotions associated with the important things you value and want to accomplish. They don’t need to keep you stuck and stressed out.

There are many different techniques that I’ve used to teach students and clients how to coexist with their pain and suffering as they take values-congruent action towards meeting their goals. Metaphors are often used. The following is a metaphor I use with my coaching clients over the years.

Acceptance and Willingness Activity: My Acceptance and Willingness Umbrella

Purpose: The purpose of this activity is to help you develop acceptance and willingness to act despite the troubling thoughts and personal scripts, scary pictures, and painful emotions such action provokes.

Information: The metaphor, My Acceptance and Willingness Umbrella, shows you how you are already taking values-congruent action (going to work, taking your kids to school, going food shopping, etc.) despite obstacles (rainstorms) by accepting them and using appropriate coping resources (umbrellas). Rather than letting the obstacles stand in the way of taking action, you accept that pain and suffering are part of these actions and are willing to act while coexisting with them.

Instructions:

1. The next time you feel stuck and unable to take action because of the troubling thoughts, outdated personal scripts, scary pictures, and painful emotions associated with it, write those thoughts, etc. down.
2. Next, close your eyes and visualize the sky darkening, the wind picking up, and rain clouds swirling all around you.
3. Now imagine that the messages your mind is telling you about the situation you are stuck on are raindrops just beginning to fall on your head.
4. You feel the drops and say to yourself; I’d better use my umbrella.
5. Imagine that you open your umbrella and it provides instant relief from your troubling thoughts, outdated personal scripts, scary pictures, and painful emotions. Like raindrops, they bounce off your umbrella and don’t interfere with your doing what you need to do.
6. As you continue “walking in the rain” with your umbrella, tell yourself: Just as I can use a real umbrella to help me manage the rain, I can use my acceptance and willingness umbrella to help me live my life while coexisting with unhelpful thoughts and feelings.

In the next column, we'll continue our discussion related to becoming more psychologically flexible. In the meantime, remember to Stress Less and Live More.