You Are What You Wear

Years ago, I wrote a story about how I could roughly figure out a customer’s personality by the kind of wristwatch they might wear. I got many chuckles and also raised a few eyebrows out of joint regardless of the fact it was all in jest - a funny thing. Most of the time, I run fairly accurate, unlike the very expensive timepiece that begins with an “R” and ends with an “X.”

And you know what? The same can be seen by the jewelry one wears. You have jewelry that personifies sophistication, class or practicality, and let’s not forget ostentatious, crass, ugly, or downright over-the-top gaudy.

A woman comes to mind: about 10 years ago, a dyed-in-the-wool convoluted royal hiney entered my humble shop and at first glance, I knew this was going to be a memorable encounter. I greeted her with a friendly “Good Morning” and she grunted, “I’m just looking!” It was impossible not to notice she was dripping in what appeared to be gold and diamonds, she wore big stone rings on every available digit and her wrists were layered with more tennis bracelets than I had in both my window and showcases, I could not begin to count the pendants she adorned. Could this be an actual buying customer?

Okay, I know, nowadays it is not politically correct (or is it?) to judge a person by their appearance, or maybe that’s a book? Just a quick note to my first-time and possibly last-time readers, I have made my living working with the public for over fifty years and one acquires certain attainable, unexplainable skills and knowledge that would defy a scientific explanation. Plus, I’m a Gold Alumni from Hardknocks University. Don’t believe that? Just call it an acquired gift! Fifty-plus years is a long time for me to retain both important and useless data about the complexities of a now completely out-of-control human race. So, excuse me if I find myself attempting to analyze the thousands of odd folks who stumble into my establishment or get caught in my web who are extremely interesting or even downright amusing, many even become the subject of my column.

The sight of the woman before me wearing the over-allotment of make-up, a Mary Tyler Moore bee-hive hairdo, and way too much cheap perfume, topped that off with a black patent leather outfit. (It’s August, for Pete’s sake!) She completed the fashion ensemble with a matching knock-off Gucci handbag and shoes. She seriously had me wondering if I was being “punked” by my friends, I didn’t notice any movie cameras. I finally zoomed in my eagle eyesight on the ‘ICE” that dripped off this shrine of a woman, and in a microsecond, it hit me. Yet another skill I possess - I can identify cubic zirconia from twenty feet away, a wonderful ice breaker (no pun intended!) at cocktail parties. She was a genuine walking, talking “Cubic Queen.”

A species that’s rare on Florida’s west coast, although lately they do occasionally migrate from the Northeast coast. 

This woman was awash in inexpensive gold-plated cubic zirconia – better known as cheap fake diamond jewelry! After 10 minutes of snickering at my shop’s inventory, she asked me if I carried Cartier jewelry. I answered a polite no and suggested the Cartier store in Naples most likely does. “What about Tiffany?” While you are in Naples, cruising through Cartier’s try the Tiffany store down the street there as well. 

“Then I gather you don’t carry Rolex watches?” Nope, never have. She mumbled and spewed disappointment while browsing and asking prices here and there, saying that everything was “too expensive!” and was obviously not impressed with my level of merchandise and finally what seemed like an eternity of snide questions, she finally went out the door in a disgusted huff. I watched her majestically climb into her four-door “Golden Chariot,” a beat-up, sunburned red 1995 Hyundai, and she was off in a puff of exhaust smoke. Personally, first of all, I doubt the security guard at Cartier’s would even let her in the front door.

Okay, here’s my professional nonscientific analyses. This one is easy! She was in the market for Tiffany and Cartier jewelry and wanted to see Rolex watches? Are you kidding me! The average Rolex costs around $9,000, and some are over $60K. Besides, play-acting at being high and mighty and treating me like a skid row street vendor, she was rude and downright nasty, and if she thinks she was trying to impress me and the world with fake glitter and sporting knockoff Gucci products and apparel that isn’t worth a hill of refried beans, she would be mistaken. This woman was an honest-to-goodness walking talking nugget of “fool’s gold.” 

Men don’t escape my fine-tuned calculated assessments either. Men of all ages in the market for personal jewelry are by far the hardest sell in my business. It’s too big or too small, too wide, too narrow, too heavy or not heavy enough, too flashy, not flashy enough, too expensive or not expensive enough…it goes on and on endlessly.

I could have a thousand gent’s rings, bracelets or chains and pendants in stock and still not have one thing they are even remotely interested in buying. I’ll deal with women any day of the week; men buying jewelry for a woman that’s a different story…easy peasy.

Dealing with men…for example, one afternoon, in walks the second coming of Elvis with black hair like shiny fiberglass wearing more 70’s style chunky gold nugget jewelry than I have seen in a lifetime. “What you all got in my style of gold jewelry?” Elvis asked.

I’m sorry but one thing that I refuse to carry is nugget-designed jewelry. I have custom-made it in the past – the ancient past! I will only rarely create it and reluctantly special order it for nugget collectors. Once in a blue moon, a customer will inquire… “In what case is your selection of gold nugget jewelry? The folks that request it are usually sporting a straw cowboy hat, boots, and khaki shorts with a belt buckle the size of a hub cap, a true fashion statement here on a tropical island, or a Kenny Chesney concert goer.

I will always inquire where they hail from, and guess what? It‘s always somewhere in Texas, Montana, Arizona or Sin City - Las Vegas, Nevada! My answer is always “Go west young man!” and while you are out there you can buy some Native American silver and turquoise jewelry – another jewelry fashion you can’t give away on Marco Island.

That reminds me of a money losing project I subjected myself to years ago. I designed and created a line of gold and silver Calusa artifact jewelry (Calusa Indians lived here on the island and surrounding areas around 2,000 years ago). I figured what Marco or Naples residents wouldn’t love to wear a piece of local Indigenous history?

I did not sell a single piece! I would have been better off trying to sell hard candy to the toothless or snow cones to the Eskimo’s.

Back to the nugget jewelry wearers, most are usually the outdoors type; they drive enormous pick-up trucks with gun racks or gigantic Hummers that have their own zip codes. Most own a cabin in the woods, enjoy target shooting, then go hunting or fishing every weekend, and only like the great indoors if it’s a saloon, gambling casino, or a basement meth lab. So, to save you a wasted trip to my shop, besides nugget jewelry, Native American and Calusa jewelry is another thing you will not find here. 

The newest and toughest to pigeonhole are the new millenniums or Gen X, Y, or Z’s when they walk in the shop. These generations are an unpredictable lot. Some have multiple piercings and tattoos, and wear lots of silver or stainless steel jewelry; some wear nothing whatsoever. 

Can’t tell their personality by the watch they wear because many don’t wear one (their cell phone tells them the time). Or they wear some Apple computer thingamajigs on their wrists. Few wear precious metals such as gold or platinum jewelry, most don’t wear anything at all when it comes to purchasing engagement ring diamonds, they lean toward Lab-created diamonds and request a metal for the ring I never heard of from another galaxy, far, far away.

The latest generation is a self-taught quasi–intelligent breed because they learned about gemstones, diamonds, and nearly all the things that pertain to my job as a goldsmith doing research for months online. For the most part I find them taxing …so many questions about nothing. I’m enlarging your grandma’s gold ring two sizes, it will be ready next week, the cost is $75, so don’t expect a twenty-four-page illustrated dossier on how I’m going to do it; I’m simply gonna do it right and make it fit you! 

  On another occasion an elderly gentleman inquired about a stone ring for his new girlfriend that went out of style more than 40 years ago – the then-famous Linde’ star sapphire. You baby boomers must remember it – the oval or round man-made blue or red gem with the bright white star in the center that moves with the light. Believe it or not, I have dozens of loose star sapphires in my safe that I have accumulated over the decades. I offered to put something together for him. “No, No, I need it now! Don’t you have any in the case set up?” Sarcastically, I said if I did, they would be in the same showcase with the gold-plated “Mood Rings” and Texas Instrument digital analog watches. (Look those up Gen “Y” and “Z” ) 

No amount of explaining that there is absolutely no demand for such a thing fell on deaf ears; he was, in fact, the first inquiry in over 35 years! Of course, he was wearing a large blue Linde star in white gold on his ring finger!

Once again, my analysis. Has this guy been living in a sub-terrain bomb shelter for the past forty years or what? I found out it’s been that long since he’s been in a jewelry store. He reminded me of my grandfather, proud, practical and no… is never an option; he was also downright mad I had nothing in stock. Mr. Gottahavitnow said he would continue looking elsewhere, and out the door he went on a fool’s mission. He would have better luck finding Jimmy Hoffa or a solid gold lava lamp.

One male customer had boggled my complex analysis. Around his neck was a heavy gold chain, and hanging from it was a crucifix, a Saint Christopher medal, a Star of David, and a Muslim crescent moon! Talk about having all your bases covered when you meet whoever is guarding the Pearly Gates!

The truth is I have learned to love our simple Southwest Florida jewelry styles that invoke our sea life and wildlife themes. I’ll keep making easy-to-wear contemporary designs mixing diamonds and pastel-colored gemstones for my deserving clientele.

Even despite the fact that Marco is a melting pot of individual tastes in jewelry my selection of unique gold and sterling pieces from small American and European companies has worked for me here on the island both now and for over 30 years. 

A simple single diamond on a gold chain no matter the size, speaks volumes of looking chic in my opinion.

Now don’t take offense if I seem to psychoanalyze you while you are in my shop standing there wearing a simple diamond palm tree pendant, standing in sandy flip-flops with beach bag in your hand. You’ll see that I’m totally impressed with your personality because of your taste in exquisite, simplistic jewelry. It oozes class and good taste at the same time, and it’s also fun to wear.