Yes, You Can Learn to Say No

Dear Can’t Say No,

Author Tim Ferris states your dilemma well saying, “What you don’t do determines what you can do.” It sounds like you’ve learned this lesson but the reminder is good motivation for you to start the process of learning how to say no. 

Let’s address your question, “Why is it so hard to say no?” Here’s a list of possible reasons. See what resonates with you.

* Perhaps you say yes to avoid confrontation. Few people want confrontation in their lives. Saying yes is a way of appeasing a person who might be confrontational if they hear a no. Learning to overcome the fear of confrontation may take a lifetime of work (and therapy) but it’s worth striving towards. 

* Are you worried about missing out? Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is a real thing. When we say no to something that we perceive others will say yes to, we activate anxiety caused by FOMO. Ask yourself if you have FOMO the next time you’re tempted to say yes when you really want to say no.

* Are you programmed to saying yes? As children, when we said yes to our parents our answer probably pleased them and we were rewarded with their love and attention. If a positive response was the primary way you received their approval, you may have been programmed early on to say yes. Now, without thinking about the consequences, you still may be saying yes as a response to your childhood circumstances. Try saying, “Let me get back to you” or “Thanks for the invitation, give me a day to think it over.”

* Are you a people pleaser? Like avoiding confrontation and being programmed to saying yes, needing to please others, even at your own expense, might be bringing on your dilemma. Taking care of yourself and scheduling time to replenish your body, mind, and soul are critical elements that will allow you to also take care of others. Recall what they tell you in an airplane, “Place the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting others.” 

Josh Billings, American humorist, says, “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.”

Being aware of how saying yes to things you’d like to say no to is the first step. You’ve also reached step two which is wondering why you’re doing this. Now, let’s figure other ways you can set emotional boundaries. 

Besides asking for time to think about a request, ask yourself, “What do I want?” This isn’t being selfish, this is about you making sure you’re on track to living the best version of yourself. Be loving and kind but firm if you decide to say no.

People will respect you when you create boundaries and are clear on what you will and won’t accept. You become a role model to others as you affirm yourself and demonstrate that you have the right to live life on your own terms. 

Learning to say no can take practice and courage. Start with your next request. Ask for time to consider then decide if it’s what you really want to do.