Uncle Red and the “Big Wrecker”

Uncle Red was one of the Tennessee relatives who normally made an appearance only at the big three. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Fourth of July were the biggest and most widely celebrated of the Cumberland Mountain holidays, and when Uncle Red came down from Firestone country in Ohio, he was more than ready to explain why Firestone made the best tires.

Uncle Red was always ready to explain anything, except for when he made an unexpected appearance in August. He came on a Sunday morning just before church and his car was so full of stuff that no one but a driver could fit behind the wheel. When mother and granny stepped out in their Sunday best and were ready to herd everyone in the right direction for eternity, a raised eyebrow from mother was the only clue that life was about to change.

With mother and granny sitting face forward in the family sedan, and the budding boy of a teenager straining in the backseat to watch daddy and Uncle Red speaking about something that was looking as serious as a topic on the TV evening news, the beginning of the end of normal was about to start.

Church was routine, but it was not lost on the teenager that the preacher’s lesson was about life choices and making the right decisions. It was also obvious, even to someone who had not yet started high school, that something was wrong with either Ohio or Firestone.

Uncle Red was actually Uncle Marion, but because he was a big man with a bright red nose and a florid complexion, he was always Uncle Red. He was like a Wild West show straight out of the movies. Uncle Red was also apparently highly qualified for anything and promptly went to work with Daddy at the local Ford dealership. The only job open was for the tow truck driver, and soon, Uncle Red was barreling around town in the “Big Wrecker.” After quickly settling into his new position, the heavyset man with the bright red face was more than ready to share harrowing tales of rescue, narrow escapes, and clever ways to pull mishandled automobiles back to safety after falling off the winding roads in east Tennessee.

The first sign of trouble came not with Uncle Red but with an official letter that came in the mail. It seemed that the school bus pick-up routine was changing. The previous stops, which were closer to the schools, were no longer to be bus stops at all. This official decree led to various family discussions, but because the budding teenager was now in need of a ride to his first day at high school - and all the high school days afterward - Uncle Red, over coffee one morning, decided he would provide a daily chauffeur service to and from the highest education on the mountain.

Mother quietly lifted an eyebrow after the bulldozing offer, but any other suggestions quickly fell to the wayside as Uncle Red began plowing into an embarrassing story about saving a honeymoon couple from the risky pinnacle of the local Lover’s Leap.

Despite the warning of mother’s lifting eyebrow, the upcoming high school student was completely unaware of the nightmare that was coming next. The Tennessee teen understood that the first year of high school was important beyond all comparison and that freshman boys were always subjects of traditional hazing. Throughout the last year of junior high and all through the summer Sundays at church, the repeated legends of teasing and torture for new high school boys became terrifying. Another and almost equally frightening but exciting certainty was that older and glamorous girls were going to be everywhere.

On the first day of the new school year, the would-be freshman was a nervous wreck. At breakfast, mother was comforting and attentive, but soon after, granny began to exchange furtive glances with mother when the loudest and most obnoxious tow truck horn in the world began blowing in the driveway.

With mother and granny covering their ears, everyone turned to see Uncle Red through the kitchen windows. He was wearing his cowboy hat and standing on the running board of the “Big Wrecker.” He was also beckoning eagerly for the first-day freshman to come out for the first ride to high school.

The ride in the “Big Wrecker” was traumatic. All along the way, every school bus in the county was rolling along and full with the more sophisticated students who lived safely out of town. With every bright yellow bus that Uncle Red would pass, he would blow his newly installed train whistle horn with devastating volume and ear-shattering results. His insufferable cowboy hat was waving at everyone, and he was pointing to the new student beside him who could not slink down low enough to be out of sight. 

When Uncle Red began the turn into the high school parking lot, where every student and teacher had stopped to stare, the train whistle horn was blowing non-stop, and Uncle Red’s cowboy hat was out the window and waving. Among the impromptu and very large audience, older, rough-looking boys were grinning with faces that were wolfish with anticipation. Girls that were indeed looking like movie stars were watching, but in this episode of first day high school teenage terror, the girls were laughing and pointing toward the most embarrassed freshman ever.

After climbing down from the Big Wrecker and taking a dreaded look around, the Tennessee teenager and future Marco Beach Boy woodenly began walking toward the entire high school assembly with a face as florid and crimson as the unforgettable Uncle Red.

Before his departure, Uncle Red sounded the obnoxious horn again and then began a slow exit from the parking lot with the emergency lights flashing, as the tow truck beacons must have been flashing for the entire ride to school.