The Very Strange October Funeral

Bereavement travel is usually unexpected, but as with everything in the modern age, traveling for a funeral and the passing of a loved one depends on circumstances. Uncle Bill passed just after his favorite football team won their first game in early September, but because of family scheduling and school activities for all the kids, the funeral and the internment were not finalized until a month after the death of the favorite uncle.

Because Uncle Bill had a very good run and was feisty, funny, and very unpredictable even into his late 90s, his last wish was for a proper old-fashioned funeral.

Because of tradition, Bill wanted the whole shebang. He wanted a fancy casket and formal burial, even though his final wishes were for cremation. Uncle Bill was like that. He was full of surprises. When Christmastime came, Uncle Bill always had a Jewish menorah as part of his holiday decorations, “Just so, no one would feel left out.”

When Uncle Bill passed, he also “wanted no one left out,” but he did promise that only those who were “paying attention” would be eligible for any bequeathment.

When the family and friends began to gather for the “viewing” on the evening before the church services, the old funeral home was packed. For the many family members who had moved away after high school and never came back for anything other than weddings and funerals, the dark little parlor with the creepy wallpaper and the nicotine-stained light fixtures from the 1950s was offering the perfect pairing for the weather. Outside, and under the huge maples covering the funeral parlor, the weather was crying,” because the October drizzle and gusting wind were pushing the trees toward an early winter.

Many of the family were as far away as Marco Island in Florida, but most were living only a few towns away from where Uncle Bill spent his entire life. The irony of having a “viewing” of a casket that contained only a small box of ashes was not out of the ordinary. Many of the old school families were huge fans of big send-offs and formal funerals. Apart from the necessary business and bustle of touring a gallery of photographs showing Uncle Bill in his various hobbies and occupations, the doors leading out to the blustery night were also busy with the covert actions of many of the mourners. After the obligatory “viewing,” many of the mourners were venturing outside for a sip or two of some very fine whiskey that Uncle Bill had included with his funeral arrangements.

After the little funeral parlor was beginning to overheat with the crowd of mourners - mainly because the whiskey bottle was empty - the double doors of the funeral home suddenly burst open with a gust of wind, a burst of flying leaves, and a wet spray of the rain that brought “the crying” inside. Just as everyone turned toward the open doors and the incoming weather, the creepy wallpaper and the funeral lights went dark as the electricity failed across the entire county.

The following morning, the electricity was back to work, but the sudden electrical outage was a mystery. During the church service and the eulogy, the stormy weather from the night before was persistent and battering against the stained glass of every window. Before the pastor could finish with the final prayer, the bells in the steeple began to chime loudly, but the bells in the spire were broken and had not sounded for years.

Beneath the drizzle of the graveside ceremony, a little sea of black umbrellas was crowding the open gravesite. The rifle reports from a military salute set a flock of crows in motion, but when it came time to lower the casket, another electrical device failed, and the gravediggers had to lower the coffin by hand.

During the haul between the funeral home and the hearse, the pallbearers were struggling with the coffin. When the selected six were carrying the casket to the front of the church, the gleaming wooden box was a burden. After the uneven and muddy ground at the cemetery became the longest journey for the six pallbearers, the men were more than happy to set Uncle Bill down for a rest and find out where the favorite uncle’s money would go.

After the bizarre circumstances with the windblown doors at the funeral home, the failing electricity, the revival of the ringing bells at church, and the gravediggers almost dropping the casket, all the friends and family were more than anxious about The Very Strange October Funeral.

When the final gathering began for the reading of the will, it soon became apparent that Uncle Bill’s attorney was a backwoods southern lawyer, but when the reading was finally over, there was no mention of any money or real estate. It seemed that before his death, Uncle Bill sold all of his property. There was, however, a final request that Uncle Bill’s ashes were to be scattered in the water of his favorite fishing hole, but the ashes were in the casket that was already buried.

Later, and under cover of darkness, all six of Uncle Bill’s pallbearers began to appear at the cemetery with the same idea. Uncle Bill wanted to be scattered in the water, but he was still in the coffin. When the group of six arrived beside the dim light coming from the gravesite, they found the creepy lawyer standing in the open grave with a flashlight. When the lawyer saw the family of pallbearers and knew that he was in trouble, he looked up from the open casket that was full of cash and offered a guilty smile, “I guess Uncle Bill was trying to take it with him.”