The Swiss Banker

When Wolfgang stepped aboard everyone knew that he was special. He carried the air and charisma of old-world charm as most of us today carry our phones. His appeal was never really out of sight, or out of mind, and when Wolfgang spoke, his complete focus on others was as compelling as his impeccable manners and his perfect command of the English language.

On a fine spring day, after we were underway, we approached an Osprey nest with mother Osprey calling out to her mate who was flying in for a landing with a fresh fish for the fledglings. Wolfgang offered a cautious warning: “I believe if we approach, very much closer, the sea eagles will begin an attack.”

We were still several hundred feet away from the channel marker with the nest and the family of fish hawks, but Wolfgang’s accent and his choice of words drew a smile from everyone aboard. Introductions were complete before the sailing excursion began, but after Wolfgang’s warning about an attack from above, everyone was beyond curious about the middle-aged man with the dapper manners, the well-spoken English, and the obvious magnetism and irresistible appeal.

“Please tell me Wolfgang,” a grandmother of two young adults spoke up, “where are you from?”

The elegant European answered at once. “I was born in Dusseldorf, Germany, but I now live and work in Zurich Switzerland. I am visiting here to speak to a group of international bankers.”

“You are a Swiss banker?” Our grandmother asked and the other six of us perked up with interest.

“Of course, madam.” Wolfgang smiled, and nodded, and everyone knew that if he were not sitting on a boat that was sailing, he would have stood and clicked his heels together.

“Oh please Mr. Wolfgang,” granny was excited. “Can you tell us something about the intrigue of international banking? Is it really as exciting as in the movies? Do you ever have questionable clients? Do you ever have to call the police?”

“Of course, madam,” Wolfgang smiled as a friendly conspirator. “I can tell you quite confidently, I must answer yes to all of your questions.”

Granny responded at once. “Can you tell us a story? Something that has happened?” She nudged the closer of two grown grandchildren.

“There is a common story I have seen personally,” the Swiss banker responded. “It is also an incident I have heard about from my colleagues at other banks in Zurich.”

The boat was silently sailing as everyone craned forward to listen carefully. “The episode always happens on a Friday,” Wolfgang explained. “The banks are, of course, always closed on weekends. This is most certainly why the scoundrels always appear just before closing on Friday afternoon. I believe that they believe the bankers in Switzerland ignore everything after closing. Of course, that would be an absurd belief. However, the episodes always begin about half an hour before closing. This is when a young man will appear. He will be, of course, impeccably groomed, and dressed in perhaps a beautiful Armani suit, and he will be carrying a heavy briefcase of sorts. He will ask for assistance to open an account. He will insist on a private room where he will open the case to reveal a million US dollars in hundred-dollar bills.” Wolfgang paused with a wry smile. “This for the young man…is heavy work. A million US dollars weighs 24.4 kilograms - that is just over 56 pounds in hundred-dollar bills. Of course, all of the hundreds on the top and bottom of the stacks are genuine, but when one examines the currency closer, we almost always find counterfeit cash in the bundles - even when the bundles are bound with certified ribbons from other reputable banks.”

“What happens then?” granny interrupted, “What happens when you find the counterfeit money?”

“We call the police,” Wolfgang shrugged with elegance. “The police take the counterfeit money, and the almost perfect young man in the Armani suit is taken away to answer many difficult questions.”

“Why then,” Granny asked. “Why do the scoundrels try the same thing over and over if they get caught?”

“Because madam,” Wolfgang explained, “It is because the counterfeit currency is almost perfect and sometimes, on some occasions, it will even pass inspection in some banks in other parts of the world. But if it should pass inspection in a Swiss bank, it would be considered genuine. This is why the attempts continue. There is no chance this subterfuge would work at a Swiss bank but when it comes to money, the world is full of unscrupulous scoundrels.”

When granny shook her head in amazement, Wolfgang continued. “Do you know the story of why, so many years ago, the US currency changed? It is because of an infamous country in the Middle East. This is a country which is very much against the US and much of the West. Years ago, this country learned of the printing presses America uses to print US dollars and had the same printing presses made for their own use. This was a very expensive venture. They also paid - at another great expense - for the services of some very talented engravers to replicate the printing plates for US hundred, fifty, and twenty dollar bills. When the illegal paper was produced in great numbers, Eastern Europe, Russia, and Asia was flooded with the forged money. This is why America is vigilant, and always changes the US currency into a very difficult product to counterfeit.”

For a moment Granny, along with the rest of our crew, was overwhelmed with the unknown information. “What about secret safe deposit boxes with gold and jewels and other secret information?” she asked. “What about famous people who have died and have left secret Swiss safety deposit boxes abandoned? What about old and abandoned and hush-hush accounts?”

Wolfgang smiled again and offered the standard credo and mantra of a Swiss banker. “Madam,” he said, “Only Swiss bankers can keep secrets as good as or better than a doctor or a priest.”

Tom Williams is a Marco Islander. He is the author of two books: “Lost and Found” and “Surrounded by Thunder—the Story of Darrell Loan and the Rocket Men.” Both books are available on Kindle and Nook.