The Snake Charmer

Even though Marco, Goodland, and the Isles of Capri are just about as close to paradise as anyone can imagine, the unexpected can often slither in – just as in the Garden of Eden. 

Over the years, many Beach Boys and Girls have come and gone, as have many beach managers with their individual priorities with leadership. Most often, while working in paradise around Marco Beach and the many swimming pools that make up our Gulf-side Garden of Eden, there is little to criticize. The scenery is beautiful, the guests are happy, but when a new beach and pool manager arrived from New England along with a seasonal Beach Boy from New Orleans, a match made in heaven began when the two newcomers found a common enemy.

Even from the beginning, there was always Ralph. When walking along the sidewalk in between the beach and the pools, Ralph would emerge slithering with serpentine enthusiasm across the sidewalk from the bushes into the grass. The first time any of the Beach Boys were surprised by a Ralph we would jump out of our skin when the common black snakes would appear slinking along under foot. This was when the veteran Beach Boys explained to the newcomers: “Oh, don’t worry that’s just Ralph. He lives here. He’s harmless.” After the discovery of Ralph’s identity, we all adopted the mantra: “It’s just Ralph. Don’t worry.”

Of course, there were multiple Ralphs. We all saw and almost stepped on a Ralph about twice a week and no one had ever the thought that Ralph was malicious or dangerous. This all changed however, when our new beach and pool manager arrived and decided Ralph and all of his Doppelgangers must go.

The day that prompted Ralph’s exit from Eden was when the Beach Boys were unstacking lounge chairs on a busy Memorial Day Weekend. The beach was busier than usual, and all of the guests were clamoring for a chaise lounge and a good place on the sand. All of the thatched tree-like beach huts were packed with tourists seeking shade under the umbrella-like structures or soaking up the sun nearby and working on tan lines.

This was the exact moment when a Ralph was uncovered on the open beach with nowhere to go. When the last chair was picked up and Ralph was fully exposed in the bright sunshine his immediate reaction was to head for the nearby shaded forest of beach huts and all the tourists that were seeking shelter under the shade of the thatched umbrellas.

Of course, when Ralph made a fast serpentine beeline for the first beach hut, newspapers went flying upward in a continuous explosion as did bikini tops, and everything else that could move when a fast-moving snake was trying to seek shelter under every surprised guest that was trying to escape the serpentine terror. It was less than a minute from when last lounge chair was lifted and Ralph’s hiding place was exposed when he had run the course of twenty beach huts and about a hundred chairs. All that remained after his fast-moving slithering passage was a standing and outraged group of shuddering tourists clutching fallen bikini tops and smoldering cigars that had dropped from open mouths shrieking obscenities.

After this display of embarrassing behavior, Ralph had enough and disappeared up onto the grass, across a sidewalk – with a final shriek from a poolside pedestrian – and then into the bushes by the nearest swimming pool.

This was when Denny the newest beach and pool manager had also had enough. “These crazy snakes have got to go!” he exclaimed with his New England accent. “Did you see all those ladies jump up without their tops? This is getting to be outrageous. Look at all that litter with the drinks spilled, and lunches ruined, and now the seagulls are having a field day with all the scraps. That snake terrorized every single guest under the huts before he scared that woman on the sidewalk. We have to do something about these crazy snakes.”

Before anyone could respond – because most of us were still laughing – another newcomer, Remi from New Orleans, stepped up to our new manager and began with his Louisiana Cajun drawl. “Why they ain’t nothing but some little ‘ole black snakes. Ain’t never hurt nobody.” Remi was clearly trying to impress his new boss. “Most folks just don’t know how to charm a snake.” The Cajun continued. “I can handle any snake just fine. Back in the swamp, we got big snakes everywhere. I can fix’em.”

“Well,” Denny exclaimed, “You’re now the snake charmer. I want you staking out all the sidewalks and the pools. You have to get rid of them! I don’t care how you do it!”

The following week another Ralph found his way into one of the swimming pools. The pool attendant called Denny the boss and Denny called Remi, the new snake charmer. By this time, the only one in the pool was Ralph the snake, with every guest standing around the pool deck and watching Ralph do serpentine laps in the water.

“Well,” Denny’s New England accent was edgy as he stepped up to Remi and whispered: “What are you going to do? Are you getting in the water? Man versus snake?”

“Naw,” Remi replied.” Just going to give that one a little quick bayou work.” With that said, Remi walked over to the long pole with a leaf net that is always waiting next to the life ring at every swimming pool. He parted the watching tourists as he returned with his weapon and took up a position at the edge of the water. He studied his subject for a few thoughtful moments before the action started.

Remi was almost as quick as Ralph, but when the net on the pole came face to face with the black snake in the water, Ralph rose up with magnificent serpent defiance and struck with a hissing and biting motion toward the offending net. At once Deny and Remi jumped back in alarm as one of the guests yelled out: “It’s a killer!” 

The next move was fast when the Louisiana snake charmer went into action. In the blink of an eye, Remi scooped up the defiant serpent with the net on the pole and threw the wiggling snake in the direction of the nearby bushes. The valiant throw from the snake charmer was short, however, as the provoked and squirming snake only flew as far as the front of our new manager’s shirt. With an action that can only be described as superhuman, Denny clawed the hissing snake away from his chest and threw it into the crowd of tourists that were watching the beach and pool professionals at work.

After the screams and chaos, Remi was removed as official snake charmer, Denny remained in his office for a week, and Ralph and his Doppelgangers remain as an unforgettable novelty crossing the sidewalks everywhere near Marco Beach.