The Pitfalls of People Pleasing

Dear PP,

As you’re experiencing, people pleasing takes a toll on your time, energy, and wallet and can lead to you feeling resentful, hollow, anxious, and even sad.

“When we’re not being authentic to ourselves, when our self has no expression, that’s basically what depression is,” says trauma therapist Jane McCampbell Stuart, MA, LMLT, CPCC.

Stuart affirms what you’re experiencing. “People who minimize their own needs and make themselves small often attract others who take advantage of them.”

Fear of losing love is common for people pleasers. Perhaps your response to the world was rooted in childhood and started as a coping mechanism. Life coach Hailey Magee, in her book, Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power, writes, “Many of us learn to people please in childhood in order to get safety or affection from preoccupied, unavailable, or abusive caregivers.”

Whatever the roots, there are paths you can take to change your behavior.

• Learn to set boundaries. This might seem obvious but boundary-setting takes intention and practice. When you’re tempted to say yes, remind yourself that feelings of resentment can cause damage to you and to your relationship.
• Pause before you agree to do something. Instead of an automatic “yes,” foster an automatic, “let me check and get back to you.” Use this time to examine your feelings, your available time, and energy so you can respond with an honest answer.
• Change negative self-talk and take care of your self-esteem. Tell yourself that you’re capable of setting boundaries, you deserve to have your opinion heard, and your time and energy are valuable. If you believe you’re “less than,” you may need to work with a therapist to learn how to see yourself in a more positive light.

The line between kindness and people pleasing is usually in your motivation. Kindness helps you realize your own needs while enhancing the lives of others. Knowing you have the power to say yes or no makes saying yes all the more sweet. You’re not expecting anything in return and you’re giving from abundance rather than scarcity.