The Homecoming

When the frightening scenes of Halloween are finished, and the autumn leaves begin to fall, almost everyone has mixed emotions about the upcoming homecomings that are enviable as the approaching holidays. Life in Southwest Florida might be free of falling leaves, but family reunions and homecomings can fall apart anywhere.

There is an age-old adage, which is mostly true: Friends are friends by choice, but family is family…no matter what.

When the annual November homecoming began, it was a creation of the great-grandparents. The elders wisely decided that a yearly family gathering would add a tradition of culture that would honor the previous generations and those who would follow.

In the beginning, when everyone was very young and everyone else was old, every child at the homecoming was ecstatic. There were cousins from everywhere and enough time to visit with everyone.

The little kids wanted to be popular with the older children and the older cousins wanted to become favorites with the budding teenagers, but all the children would soon find their places amongst a cornucopia of football, board games, and the traditional food that came to every homecoming. 

Of course, the kids were too busy playing to notice the friction and the sparks of contention that were flying around and smoldering among the elders.

Aunt Ethel could not believe that Joyce and Seth would arrive in that brand-new car that they obviously could not afford.

Everyone was suspicious of Uncle Everett and his friend Henry who were up to the usual and filming everything with a flashy movie camera with a hand-held—and brighter than the sun—multiple light display that must have had an electrical cord that would reach into the next county.

Young Uncle Frank and Uncle James, Aunt Ethel decided, were walking on thin ice. They were paying no attention to anyone in the family. Those two were only concerned with their floozy girlfriends that wore short skirts and too much makeup. No one knew anything about the fast women who were obviously the offspring of foreigners because whispers had already circulated and no one had any information about the trashy girls. 

In the days when the homecomings were young and the 50-year-olds were very old, every single homecoming would have a crisis that would be the gossip at future reunions. 

No one could forget the time at Uncle Sam’s farm when the older boys were playing with matches and kerosene lanterns and the hay in the barn caught fire. Aunt Ethel was quick to blame the mothers of the two fire starters for bad parenting, and a quiet family feud seemed to smolder ever after.

Almost everyone, it seemed, was upset about the fleeting blaze except Uncle Sam. He was the quiet but watchful grandparent who could just about see around the corner of every unexpected event and step in when needed, just as he did with the knocked-over lantern fire and the garden hose.

Another big drama was the unforgettable year when little Tommy bit cousin Peggy on the forearm. There was no skin broken, but the bite marks were easy for anyone to see, and the bruise that apparently came up days later became legendary.

After Uncle Sam and granny passed away, Aunt Ethel immediately took over as matriarch and orchestrator of all future homecomings. Her husband, Uncle Johnny, was always following obediently behind with his head downcast, and as everyone knew, there was never a more quiet and kind individual than Uncle Johnny.

Aunt Ethel might have been the new boss, but she could not stop the whispers and the ongoing speculation of why such a timid man as Uncle Johnny would remain with such a fire-breathing dragon.

The first year Aunt Ethel took command of the homecoming was when the meek would inherit the earth - at least for a little while.

When the family homecomings began to gather, everyone drove down the same road. There were about twenty-five cars driving along together and everybody was happy and waving. 

Aunt Ethel, however, was impatient and she drove very fast through the family traffic. Uncle Johnny was strapped into the passenger seat and all the family could see when the mighty and the meek drove past at a breakneck pace. 

On the back of Aunt Ethel’s car was a billboard of bumper stickers. The first and foremost read: “Follow me to church!” The second: “I am on the way to Sunday school!” Another read: “Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you!” The final sticker read. “The devil does not ride in this car!”

As Aunt Ethel sped on and was swerving through traffic, a battered old pickup truck filled with a large family became an obstacle for Aunt Ethel in her progress down the highway. When several of the homecoming cars caught up, everyone could see and hear Aunt Ethel as she was blowing her horn and screaming out the window at the poor family in the truck. The family in the slow vehicle seemed to shrink under the verbal abuse and the horn that was howling. Finally, a space opened in the traffic, and although the double yellow line was in place for no passing, Aunt Ethel nailed the accelerator and flew past the ramshackle pickup. As Aunt Ethel passed, her hand was out the window, and flying the obscene gesture that almost everyone knows on sight. 

When the family for homecoming and the slow pickup came to a stop light a few moments later, a police car had Aunt Ethel and Uncle Johnny pulled over. There were blue lights flashing and police officers had handcuffed Aunt Ethel and placed her in the back of the police car. After the police sped away with their latest prisoner, Uncle Johnny drove on alone to the homecoming.

When everyone gathered around and asked Uncle Johnny what happened, he simply smiled a little smile and said, “The police arrested your Aunt Ethel for grand theft auto. They figured that no one with church stickers on the back of their car would be driving recklessly, flying the finger, and acting like that!”