The Family Snowbird

Almost everyone has heard the old clichés. “Blood is thicker than water.” “Family is always first.” “You didn’t marry just me, you married the whole family,” and finally. “You can choose your friends, but family . . . for better or worse . . . is not a choice!” 

For many families in the Sunshine State, winter is their favorite season. Florida can be wonderful, perfect, and almost utopia, until summer arrives and the heat and humidity level the playing field until only the true troopers of the land of the tropics can find solace in the steamy jungle of summer.  

Winter in the Collier County islands of the Gulf Coast can truly be like life in the Caribbean in almost every way, but cars and winter family visitors cannot drive to the islands in the Caribbean. 

After St Valentine’s Day, winter gets tough. In the northern climates, the beauty of snowfall has lost the magical luster of Christmas lights glowing under the flurries, and with the Super Bowl parties past, and March yet to claim the calendar, ice-bound cabin-fever dwellers can become desperate for relief, warmth, and sunshine. 

In the days before texts and emails, the surprise phone calls came with a great deal of formal greetings. The first part of the call was always a reminder of how close the family ties had always been throughout the generations. After the conversation confirmed the strength and obligation of a traditional family, the joy-filled voice from the land of icicles quickly became an enticing reminder of youthful family get-togethers and playful vacations. After a few tentative laughs - between the snow-covered hills and the land of tropical sunshine - the hint for the invitation to visit came quicker than a fastball at a spring-training baseball game. 

When the hint for the visit was dangling in front of the polite Florida homeowner, the only question was how long would the visit last? 

There could never be any doubt that Uncle Charlie was cheap. Some of the kinder family would describe the single, 50-something youngest brother in the family with the more than obvious dark toupee and dyed eyebrows as frugal, but anyone who really knew Uncle Charlie knew he was really cheap. 

One year when Uncle Charlie was reluctantly invited, he drove his 28-year-old Mercury Marquis down through the snow and called the rusting heap a classic. After his arrival, he never drove anywhere because gas was too expensive in Florida. 

Once, when Uncle Charlie was walking along the beaches, he spied a fancy poolside party for a convention group at the most exclusive hotel and decided to crash the party and the busy open bar. After a few drinks, Uncle Charlie began bragging to the bartender that he was indeed just like a “wedding crasher” and was only at the cocktail event for free drinks and to check out the ladies. 

Unbeknownst to Uncle Charlie, a different bartender remembered him from the year before when he tried the same caper at another poolside event. On that unforgettable occasion, Uncle Charlie was claiming to be one of the original island developers and told the bartenders that he never paid for drinks because he was a VIP. Resort staff never miss or forget anything entertaining. When the barmen called for “Security,” and Uncle Charlie saw it was time for a quick getaway, he had to do a quick turnaround and stoop, because a low-hanging palm frond snatched off his ill-fitting toupee and dropped it on the resort pool deck. Uncle Charlie, however, was never embarrassed because even without his hair, he was always ready for another escapade and a quick change of venue in his almost free winter vacation. 

Uncle Charlie also had very strict dietary restrictions. He could not eat at home with his Florida relatives because of his chronic indigestion and his not-so-subtle hints that the Greek in-laws in the family always used too much garlic, butter, and onions. The only exception for eating at the Florida family homestead was when fillet mignon was on the family grill. Uncle Charlie also insisted that only premium wine and beer and the most expensive liquor were all he could tolerate because of his sensitivity to any food or drink of poor quality. Uncle Charlie was the first to insist he was a true gourmand and restaurant critic extraordinaire. 

Uncle Charlie loved dining out. He loved everything about it because he was an artist and never paid the bill. He loved to see and be seen because Uncle Charlie was smooth with the ladies. He especially liked the servers who were from overseas, as Uncle Charlie could speak just enough of any language to offer the sham of sophistication. 

On one particular evening, when the family snowbird visit became truly unforgettable and priceless, Uncle Charlie was flirting heavily with a beautiful server from an exotic destination in Eastern Europe when he decided to have the special of the day, which was “Shrimp Scampi.” 

The Scampi was the most expensive item on the menu, and as the alluring and exotic server explained, it was truly traditional in every way, and anyone who would order such a delicacy should be hungry for a delight in garlic, butter, onions, and the finest shellfish. 

When the cocktails and appetizers were finished, and the Shrimp Scampi came and was extravagantly placed before Uncle Charlie, he proceeded to enjoy and crunch through every single morsel until the plate was clean. The beautiful server was appalled but hid it well. All of the family at the table were laughing into their napkins but they hid it well, as Uncle Charlie loudly crunched through shrimp after shrimp but never bothered to take off the outer shells.