Renewing Lost Relationships

Dear Friend,

Relationships are like the tides here on Marco Island—they ebb and flow. The sadness over the loss of relationships is “universal and part of the human experience,” writes author and professor Todd W. Gaffaney, Ph.D., in Psychology Today. In other words, what you’re feeling is normal.

Your letter indicates that you’re taking the cue from how you’re feeling to try to restore those lost connections. Let’s start, however, with the premise that not all relationships are worth rekindling. Before you begin a restoration process, consider if you truly want to renew each friendship. Of course, you’re in control of what relationships you choose to restore. However, if you ended a relationship due to changing values or seriously hurtful acts, I’d suggest you leave the relationship on the shelf where it belongs. The goal is to restore healthy relationships and nurture those that bring you joy and add meaning to your life.

That said, it’s never too late to reach out. There’s no time limit on renewing relationships with old friends. Let’s say you had a falling out, years ago, with your best friend from college. Perhaps you’re regretting your role in the breakup and, with maturity, have discovered you miss her inquiring mind and effervescent personality. Whatever caused the fallout no longer makes a difference to you.

Reach out! As I said, there’s no time limit - even if you haven’t been close for twenty years or more. Let her know that you’re sorry for whatever part you played that caused the demise of the friendship. You might say something like, “Our friendship was important to me and I miss what we had. I want to apologize for anything I did or said to upset or hurt you. I hope we can renew our relationship.” 

Perhaps you were the one who was hurt or wronged. A relative, let’s say a cousin, said some ugly things in the heat of an argument and you vowed to never speak to her again. In retrospect, you now regret losing touch with a close relation you’ve known and cared about since you were very young. Can you let go of this past hurt and move forward in a more open and accepting manner? Is this relationship worth it? Dr. Gaffaney says that forgiveness is a powerful therapeutic tool to help manage a broken relationship. Are you willing to forgive and move forward?

As you travel down this path, keep in mind what Francois de La Rochefoucauld, a noted French moralist wrote long ago, “Renewed friendships require more care than those that have never been broken.”