Managing Triggered Days

Dear Coach,

As a motherless daughter, I’m happy to say that I made it through Mother’s Day okay. Father’s Day, however, is another story. 

I was ten when my mother died and left me with two younger siblings and a woefully unloving and irresponsible father. He quickly remarried and they had two boys. As the oldest daughter in a family of five children, I was little more than a babysitter, never an adored daughter. This toxic relationship with my father has affected many aspects of my life. 

Although I’ve done personal work on this issue, Father’s Day is still a trigger for me. Any suggestions?

Signed,

Neglected Daughter 

Dear Neglected Daughter,

With Father’s Day approaching, my guess is you’re not the only one feeling anxious that the day will dredge up dreadful dad memories. 

I’ve been motherless since I was eight. I’m also an only child with few relatives. Unlike you, I had a great dad and I’m eternally grateful. However, I took my dad for granted until, as an adult, I participated in two motherless daughter therapy groups. This is when I first learned the enormous impact (positive and negative) fathers have in the lives of motherless daughters. This is where I first met daughters like you. 

When I interviewed over fifty motherless daughters for my book, I again became profoundly aware of the heartache and emotional damage many daughters experience at the hands of their fathers (and stepfathers). 

From these interviews, I learned a few tips about managing trigger-days, like Father’s Day, that may apply to you.

Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiveness is for you and your mental health - not for your father’s well-being. Forgiving your father doesn’t mean you’re condoning his bad behavior. It means you’re strong enough to let go of the negativity you’re feeling and move on.

Get out of the guilt trap. When you experienced early mother loss, you were at the mercy of your primary caregiver. Your neglect, or worse, wasn’t a reflection on the child you were. If you’re blaming yourself in any way for the care you received, STOP! You were just a kid.  

Embrace empathy. This may not apply to you but other daughters reading this may have been emotionally neglected because of the profound grief their father experienced. This is not an excuse but, as adults, daughters might better understand their father’s behavior. This also applies to having a father who remarried quickly. 

Seek help. As you know, experiencing emotional neglect as a child can cause difficulties throughout a lifetime. I’m glad you’ve sought professional help. For other daughters, even if your mother died years ago, it’s never too late to seek help with the issues her death caused, including difficulties with your father.  

It’s just a day. Father’s Day is only one day out of 365. Plan something fun to take your mind off of the day’s significance, celebrate fathers you love (uncles, brothers, sons), don’t give power to the day!

Taking good care of yourself will help you move forward after a childhood of neglect. You’ve got this!