Learning Sympathetic Joy

Dear Coach,

I’m seventeen and, naturally, my friends are very important to me. I care about them and I genuinely feel sorry when something bad happens; like their grandma dies, their boyfriend breaks their heart, their parents are mean, or they don’t do well on an exam.

However, when something really good happens; like they get into the college of their dreams or score an A on an important test when I get a B, or the perfect guy invites them to the prom, I don’t always feel happy for them. I want to but I can’t help wishing it was me instead. I also can’t help thinking they got the last one - I know this is ridiculous but I still feel this way.

Does this make me a bad person? 

Signed,

Bad Person

Dear NOT Bad Person,

To answer your question - NO, this does NOT make you a bad person. Your reaction is, in part, due to our widespread cultural belief that if somebody else is happy, then we can’t be (you allude to this in your email).

Not all cultures react this way, but ours is highly competitive. No matter our age, we’re likely to compare ourselves to others. And we’re frequently trained to believe there’s only so much happiness (or great college placements, or A’s, or good boyfriends, or love) to go around. This kind of scarcity thinking can make us really unhappy.

According to Henry Emmons, MD, author of “The Chemistry of Joy,” the practice of sympathetic joy is an antidote to the mental habit of scarcity and constant competition. Emmons says that sympathetic joy is the flipside of compassion, like when you share your friend’s troubles. When we learn how to feel sympathetic joy, we pay attention to the good fortunes of our friends and learn to relish in their joy.

It takes practice to master this feeling. Concentrate on making an effort to counteract the tendency to compare yourself or shut out your friend’s good fortune.

This next step may sound a little woo-woo but take a moment to think about a friend and picture them getting what they want. Imagine yourself saying, “I’m so happy for you!” and truly feeling that happiness. Cultivating the feelings of joy for others can also help transform scarcity thinking.

You’re at a perfect stage in your life to learn this lesson. The fact that you’re aware of your competitive nature and thoughts of scarcity means you’re already on your way!

Mershon Niesner is a Certified Life Coach and author of “Mom’s Gone, Now What? Ten Steps to Help Daughters Move Forward After Mother Loss” which is available on Amazon; also, locally at Sunshine Booksellers and Keep In Touch. For more information visit www.mershonniesner.com. Email your coaching questions to askcoachmershon@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept strictly confidential.