How To Say You’re Sorry

Dear Never,

First, let’s give you a new signature - let’s try, “Regular Human.” We all make mistakes, we all do things that require forgiveness, we all occasionally have to admit we’re wrong and, for most people, it’s difficult. That’s just part of being a human being. 

In my seventy-seven years, I’ve frequently been wrong - about people, Facebook posts, Nebraska’s chance of having a winning football season, and many, many other things. I like to think I’m pretty good at admitting I’m wrong but, at times, I say nothing as a way of protecting myself.

The fact that you’re aware of how your resistance to admitting you’re wrong is affecting your relationships is a big step in the right direction. Let your desire to do right by others pull you forward.

In an opinion piece on this topic for the New York Times newsletter, Jane Coaston wrote, “Refusing to admit you’re wrong may be intended as self-protection but is really self-deception, which hurts you and your community. Like any untruth, it destroys trust and harms relationships on every level.”

It seems that we’re living in a culture that, rather than admitting fault, focuses on the faults of others. Jane thinks so too. She sums up, “It’s driving us all into a moral and social ditch.” I agree.

So, you see, you’re certainly not alone. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t change or that there aren’t good reasons to change. Marvin Williams, professional basketball player, has a quote that motivates me. “There’s no better test of a man’s integrity than his behavior when he is wrong.” If you take this to heart, it drives deep into the issue.

Here are four things you can do to get better at admitting you’re wrong. 

1. Lean into the fact that you’re human and that you’ll be wrong from time to time. Consider saying this affirmation daily: “Knowing I’ll still be loved, I can own up to my mistakes.”
2. Perhaps you’re not aware of your wrong doing until it’s too late. Ask a trusted friend to tell you when you’re stepping over a line. Being willing to be this vulnerable will also help you if and when the time comes to admit you were wrong.
3. Consider hiring a therapist or Life Coach. People who find it difficult to admit they’re wrong often have low self-esteem issues. Doing internal work with a professional can help you move beyond this life-limiting place.
4. Ask yourself some important questions like, “Why do I find it difficult to admit I’m wrong?” or “What role did I play in a recent conflict?” or “What will happen if I say I’m sorry? What will happen if I don’t?”

Being able to readily admit you’re wrong and say you’re sorry is often a product of maturity. When you’re able to see yourself, warts and all, and still love the person you’ve become, you’ll find that showing up and being vulnerable isn’t so difficult after all.