How to Say You’re Sorry

Dear Sorry,

Wow, someone admitting they misspoke and possibly hurt someone’s feelings. That’s music to my ears! You are to be commended for your empathy and willingness to make amends.

Yes! We all make mistakes and hurt others’ feelings. We all, from time to time, put our preverbal feet in our mouths. You’re not alone.

Now, on to a formula for the best-possible apology. First, I’m glad to read that you’re willing to do this in person. In today’s world, most people shoot off an email or text. I’d say that looking a person in the eyes is really the ultimate in effective apology protocol.

When you speak to your aunt, remember that you’re apologizing for YOUR part in what happened. I’m not suggesting that Auntie didn’t contribute to the disagreement, but for now, you’re keeping the focus on yourself without blame-shifting. It can be hard, I know, but without it, your “apology” will fall flat. 

You might want to do some journaling before you go to the party. Write down what your aunt may be needing or feeling. Of course, you won’t know for sure, but even thinking about the other person’s feelings and needs elicits empathy and puts you in a more authentic place for an apology. Also, consider describing the exact behavior/words you regret.

Here are further tips:

* Allow your aunt to respond without interrupting or defending yourself. 

* Let her know that you’ve made an effort to understand her viewpoint. 

* Don’t expect forgiveness. How she responds is out of your control. You’re apologizing to let her know you’re sorry, not to be resolved from your guilt.

* Tell her how you’ll act differently going forward. 

Saying “I’m sorry” shows you have integrity and are emotionally mature. My guess is that your sincere apology may enhance other relationships. Word gets around. 

Good luck! Hopefully, Mad Miserable Auntie will turn into Mildly Miserable But Not Mad Auntie.