Healing Through Apology

Dear Guilty,

Good for you for recognizing that you’ve wronged a person (or persons) you care about. This is a sign of maturity and your ability to look at the way your behavior affects others. My answer to your question, “Is it too late to say I’m sorry?” is, NEVER! 

You would not believe the things people still remember years later that hurt them in the past and end up affecting their self-esteem. Anything you did wrong and want to apologize for will go a long way toward possible healing for the person you wronged and probably to yourself as well. YES, it is worth making an apology - no matter how late it is in coming!

In their book, The Five Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships, psychologists Gary Chapman, PhD, and Jennifer Thomas, PhD suggest the following starter phrases for expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planning change, and requesting forgiveness. Each of these “apology languages” resonates differently with different people. Try to determine what’s most important to the person you wronged and start the conversation.

Expressing regret. “I’m sorry that I ________. Even though this happened years ago, I truly regret the hurt I caused you.” 

Accepting responsibility. “I was wrong for ________. I take full responsibility for my actions and regret not saying so earlier. 

Making restitution. “How can I make this right?” Or “I’m so sorry and I’d like to __________ to make this right.”

Planning change. State what you did. For instance, “I’m sorry for not taking your career seriously. From now on I’ll listen carefully when you describe your day and recognize the importance of the work you do.” (I wish my ex-husband would have said this many years ago)

Requesting forgiveness. “I’m sorry for what I did (restate what it was). Would you consider forgiving me after all this time?”

Chapman and Thomas suggest that requesting forgiveness may be an important element to add to whatever apology language you choose. Requesting forgiveness after you have expressed an apology is often the key that opens the door to reconciliation. It may be the one factor your offended person is wanting to hear.

Using the appropriate apology language can help the person you’re speaking to feel sincerely acknowledged. When in doubt, choose what feels (and IS) most sincere and authentic to you.

Perhaps you’ve put off apologizing because you’re worried that the person you have wronged will judge you for admitting your faults. Do you see apologizing as a sign of weakness? In reality, displaying the kind of integrity to admit you’re wrong will probably have the opposite effect. 

Psychologist Harriet Lerner, PhD, author of Why Won’t You Apologize? explains, “The good apology earns us the respect of others, who can trust us to orient toward reality, admit error, and set things right. The courage to apologize, and the wisdom to do so wisely and well, is at the heart of having good relationships and a solid self.”

A good apology lets others know that you’re capable of reflecting on your behavior and empathizing with their feelings of anger, disappointment, or sadness about what happened and the future of your relationship.

Apologizing for past wrongs is a wonderful way to kick off the New Year. Go for it! You’ll be glad you did - and so will someone you care about.