Handling Mother’s Day Without Mom

Dear Sad Daughter,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Having lost my mother seventy years ago, I’m in a very different place. However, I still find Mother’s Day challenging, particularly since I’m not with my children or grandchildren on that day.  

My mother died when I was eight. On Mother’s Day my dad and I planted flowers in my mother’s window boxes as a remembrance. Later, I planted flowers in my garden. Now, having neither flower boxes nor a garden, I frequently buy pink carnations in her memory. They were on her casket and have always been a lovely symbol for me.

Is there anything you can do on Mother’s Day as a remembrance? I believe that acknowledging our loss on that day and doing something concrete can be therapeutic.

Gratitude also helps me cope. I'm grateful for the friendly smile, bright eyes and sunny personality I got from my mom. I'm grateful for my three wonderful children, three step-kids, eight grands, eleven step-grands, and eleven step-greats. What a bountiful life! And even though it's a day for mothers, I’m especially grateful for my dad who partnered with me to create a joyful childhood and beyond.

Consider making a list of things for which you’re grateful. In grief, we’re more inclined to count our losses, but counting our gains and those people/circumstances that make us happy can relieve some of the angst. 

When the focus remains on the one you lost, there is less despair and depression than when the focus remains on yourself. When we get stuck in saying or thinking, “Why me? It’s not fair. How can I possibly cope?” we stymie our ability to move forward. So much depends on how we respond to our experience. What was special about your mother? What are you learning in your grief?

By her death, my mother gave me a greater sense of independence, the heart-felt reality that death is a part of life, and the ability to be more empathetic to those who experience loss. Focusing outward may also help you during this time.

Don’t forget, it’s only one day out of 365. You can not only survive but thrive.