Getting Over Ghosting

Dear Invisible,

For readers not familiar with ghosting, it is cutting off communications with someone without explanation. For instance, you meet a person for coffee or drinks and a positive connection is made. Not only do you feel good about the in-person encounter, they said they wanted to see you again. 

When you don’t hear from them for a few days, you text, message, email, or call them to see when they want to get together again. They ignore you. Zero response. It’s as if you’re a ghost - a non-person who they’ve never met. No explanation, no ending - nothing.

Now, to your email and personal experiences. First of all, you’re not invisible. I’m sure there are people in your life who love and care about you. Consider reaching out to one of them, if for no other reason than to assure yourself of how much you’re loved. If your ghosting experiences are causing you significant emotional pain, consider seeking counseling or therapy. 

You’re correct about the prevalence of ghosting. According to research, about 30% of people in the U.S. have been ghosted. This number is much higher among young people. As you suggest in your email, you know you’re not alone in this experience, but that knowledge doesn’t ease the pain.

Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia, relates that people who have been ghosted “start to question their reality.” She explains. “They’re looking back and saying: ‘Where did I miss the signs? What is wrong with me that I thought we had so much fun on our last date?’”

Clinical evidence and common sense tell us that people with greater self-esteem weather the storm of ghosting better than others. However, having an honest response in a relationship and telling someone “goodbye,” or “this isn’t working for me,” or “I need to move on” is better for everyone. Even the person doing the ghosting. 

“Sometimes, for the person who is doing the disappearing, it’s just easier,” writes Rachel Sussman, a psychotherapist in New York City and the author of The Breakup Bible. Of course, no one likes delivering bad news but our happiness and well-being, no matter what our age, is tied to being kind to others - even strangers. 

My advice is to tell yourself that your ghosting experience is probably not about you. Most likely, it’s about someone who is afraid of confrontation, has difficulty with commitment, or is uncomfortable with relationships that may involve emotional intimacy. Sick as it is, perhaps ghosting a person makes them feel powerful. 

I assume you’ve blocked this person from your social media. If you haven’t, do it now. Set boundaries for yourself around how much time you’ll spend thinking about this person and what they’ve done to you. Increase your self-care by getting a massage, taking a walk or swim, and enjoying in-person time with friends. 

The analogy I’ve used with my coaching clients who were getting back to dating after many years of being out of the game is that it’s like throwing spaghetti against a wall. Some stick and some don’t. Keeping that image in your mind might help you get over the hurdle of feeling abandoned.