Finding Friends

Dear Lonely,

Unfortunately, you’re not alone in your loneliness. Around one in six Americans say they’re lonely. John Cacioppo, American neuroscientist and author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, argues that loneliness developed for important evolutionary reasons; to remind us that as social beings, we must seek the company of others.

Societies and individuals who drift into disconnection are fostering problems for the future. Twice as unhealthy as obesity, loneliness poses a significant health risk. Men are particularly vulnerable with nearly half of all men over fifty suffering from severe loneliness.

Becoming motherless at a young age and living in a family of two, satisfying as it was, motivated me to broaden my relationships. It also taught me how to enjoy my own company—to be alone without being lonely. Though I’ve been motherless, divorced, and widowed, I’ve rarely felt lonely. Like hobbies and physical activity, I believe that fostering the skill of making friends is developed when we need it the least to be there for us when we need it the most.

Friendships require attention. Similar to keeping our muscles strong, without effort and attention, relationship atrophy can easily set in and along with it loneliness.

Although Marco Island is unique in the amount of “third spaces” (informal spaces where people can meet and linger), a lonely person still must step up and step out to make friends. Here are a few tips.

• Consider turning one of your acquaintances into a friend by practicing “aggressive friendship.” The next time you see them, ask for their contact information then text them, asking about their availability, then make a plan to get together. Take the risk that your acquaintance won’t be interested.
• Be inquisitive. Ask acquaintances where they like to go to lunch or what book they’d recommend. Prior to going to your next group meeting, think about how you might engage a potential friend. Is there something in particular you want to discuss? Is there something your acquaintance said in your last conversation that you want to follow up on?
• When acquaintances move toward friendship, celebrate them. It took me three years to make friends in my condo building. At Christmas, I had a tea party to celebrate my newfound friends which, I feel, deepened our friendships.
• Dare to be more vulnerable. One difference between a friend and an acquaintance is the level at which you know one another. The husband of an acquaintance of mine was in the hospital at the same time as my husband. We happened to meet at the hospital’s elevator. I took a chance and invited her to my place for dinner that night. The bond was instant…concern over our husbands’ illnesses, our exhaustion…we even discovered that we were politically aligned. Our willingness to be vulnerable with one another sealed our friendship.

As you make new friends, don’t let the friendships from your past lapse. Even though they’re not available for lunch, they know your history and your old stories, which make them priceless friends.