I’m glad you called me out on Mother’s Day vs Father’s Day empathy. You’re right, I believe that much more attention is given to daughters about Mother’s Day than daughters or sons about Father’s Day. At least there is in my world.
We write about what we know. I was motherless most of my childhood, but I had a wonderful dad. So, I have less personal understanding of what it’s like growing up with an abusive father. Or even a distant father, as is more common. I had my dad’s full attention, his love, and his guidance until he died at 92. I was very fortunate.
Cindy Benezra author of Under the Orange Blossoms: An Inspirational Story of Bravery and Strength, had an experience more akin to yours.
She writes, “I knew very early on that I would never have the type of relationship a daughter would hope for with her father. His choices changed any hope for that, and as big of a loss as it was, there was nothing that I could do to change that. When I spent concentrated time in therapy, I learned how important it is to allow yourself to feel deeply all of your feelings. Working through difficult and painful feelings requires allowing yourself to feel them first.”
Here are some coping strategies for Father’s Day I gleaned from Benezra:
* Make room for new memories: Celebrate other fathers in your life. You can also reclaim a holiday with memories of your choice.
* Be kind to yourself: Do things that bring you joy, like buying yourself a gift or treating yourself to a massage.
* Express how you're feeling: You can call a friend or spend time with loved ones.
* Accept your father's negatives: Gain perspective on your father's own experience.
* Avoid comparisons: Avoiding comparison starts in the mind and is no easy task. It takes continuous work and effort. Accept that others’ stories don’t make your story more or less valuable. Taking steps such as choosing not to spend time on social media to avoid amplifying the comparison may be beneficial.
I hope this helps!
Mershon Niesner is a Certified Life Coach and author of “The Bootmaker’s Wife” and “Mom’s Gone, Now What?” Both books are available on Amazon and locally at Sunshine Booksellers and Keep In Touch. Email your coaching questions toaskcoachmershon@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept strictly confidential.
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