Dealing with Unresolved Anger

Dear Mad and Sad,

I’m sorry to read that your Christmas wish didn’t come true. Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this issue starting with you.

Now that some time has elapsed, perhaps you can look at the riff more objectively. Consider, once again, what was said and in what context, keeping in mind that sometimes a rupture is caused by miscommunication or misunderstandings that can be clarified.

Have you thought about writing a letter to your sister expressing your feelings about what she said? This would give her time to carefully consider what happened and her response. Perhaps she’s unaware of the pain she caused you. In the letter tell her what you would like to hear in the way of an apology and what she can do to make amends. Everyone has their own “apology language” and it’s helpful to let others know what works for you. 

If your sister’s offensive words were completely out of the ordinary and her actions towards you are normally considerate and loving, you might consider this a one-time lapse and wipe the slate clean. Perhaps you let her know that you have forgiven her so that she too can move on. If this isn’t possible, then continue to pursue your quest for an apology. 

Try viewing the unkind words as a mystery. Ask yourself, “I wonder what was going on in my sister’s life that temporarily derailed her?” As you do this, consider this story - A commuter was enraged when a woman in an SUV stopped abruptly to get something in the back seat, almost causing an accident. He didn’t know the driver’s infant was choking. Perhaps there is something you don’t know about your sister’s life that will shed light on her insensitive actions.

I wonder if she is a person who can’t apologize because she has such deep feelings of low self-worth that her fragile ego can’t absorb the blow of admitting she was wrong? If you suspect this is true, tap into your empathy and compassion. Remind yourself that beneath her stubborn exterior, she’s incredibly vulnerable.

I’m sure some of these suggestions won’t resonate with your particular situation but, as a Life Coach, we’re trained to help you “throw spaghetti against a wall and see what sticks.” Yep, I actually heard that phrase in my coach training and it has been a useful tool in helping clients solve problems.

Now, go throw some spaghetti!!