Cultivating a Caring Child

Dear Concerned,

The ability to understand and share the feelings of others is an important aspect of being human. It’s the foundation of acting ethically, for fostering good relationships, and the key to preventing bullying and other forms of cruelty. 

In addition to humans, many species show empathy toward each other. I applaud you for keying in on your child’s apparent lack of empathy and wanting to do something about it. 

Even children as young as two years old may pause or look sad when they hear crying. Basic early signs of empathy include:

 - Noticing and comforting others who are hurt or upset.

 - Showing sadness when others cry or joy when others are happy.

If these tendencies are lacking in your son, here are five tips for cultivating empathy taken from an article provided by the Harvard Graduate School of Education.

Empathize with your child and model empathy for others. Since empathy is important to you, I’m assuming you’re doing this but here are a couple of ideas. Ask him questions like “What was the hardest part of your day?” or “If you could do anything tomorrow, what would you do?” Model empathy by how you treat service people, including waiters and store clerks.

Make caring for others a priority and set high ethical expectations. Help your son understand that the world doesn’t revolve around him. It’s vital that on a regular basis, parents put children’s concern for others above their happiness. For example, insisting that he turn off the TV and help around the house, be polite even when he’s in a bad mood, or not dominate the airwaves when he’s talking to other children or adults.

Provide opportunities for your son to practice empathy. Although children are born with the capacity for empathy, it needs to be nurtured. When you’re together, point out to your child when someone exhibits strong empathy - or shows a lack of empathy - either in your daily life, in a book, or on television. Discuss why acts of empathy are important and why lacking empathy can be harmful.

Expand your child’s circle of concern. We often talk about empathy as a quantity. For example, we speak of children as having a lot of or a little empathy or as lacking empathy entirely. Yet the issue often isn't whether children can empathize or how much empathy they have, it’s who they have empathy for. As a parent, it’s not only important to model appreciation for many types of people, it’s important to guide your child in understanding and caring for people who are different from him and who may be facing challenges unlike his own.

Help your child develop self-control and ways to manage his feelings. Often when children don’t express empathy it’s not because they don’t have it, it’s because some feeling or image is blocking their empathy. The ability to care for others can be overwhelmed, for example, by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings. Help your son manage these negative feelings as well as possible stereotypes and prejudices he may have about others.

If your son is bullying his classmates or shows other callous behavior, I’d suggest you seek counseling or therapy.