Ask the Life Coach

Dear Coach,

With the holidays behind me, I’m feeling pretty low. I’m a widow who lives alone. I loved the hustle and bustle of the Christmas holidays at my daughter’s house (even though the cold weather up north was fierce).

Now that I’m back in my quiet condo on Marco Island, I have time to think of past regrets and uncertainty about my future. I’m wondering why my mind’s turning to the negative after having such a lovely holiday. Any suggestions about how to return to a positive mindset?

Signed,

Debbie Downer

Dear Debbie,

Since I’m a Life Coach and not a psychologist, let me start by quoting an expert. According to Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, "Negative stimuli produce more neural activity than do equally intense positive ones.”

I found that bit of wisdom very interesting and wondered how it came about. Luckily, I found more from Dr. Hanson. “From an evolutionary standpoint, our ancestors’ predisposition to Debbie Downer-ism makes sense. Ancient humans lacked reliable sources of food, water and shelter, and, as a result, made life-or-death decisions more frequently than we do today.

“To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: Overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources. This is a great way to pass on gene copies but a lousy way to promote quality of life.”

So, now that we know the “why” of negative thinking, how do we overcome our predisposition to negativity since we no longer have to fight off wild animals?

Negative thoughts often come with, what therapists call, “catastrophizing.” This is when we assume the worst possible outcome from a negative event in our life. For instance, many years ago when I was newly divorced, I had this unrealistic fear that I would become a homeless bag lady. I had a college degree, a reasonable mortgage, a business, and a father who loved me unconditionally.

My therapist didn’t try to talk me out of what I was thinking but had me “go there” in my mind. She then asked me about other alternatives that could take place. I soon came away realizing how unrealistic my catastrophic thinking was and embraced my more realistic and less scary options for a worst-case scenario.

Having an “attitude of gratitude” also helps move us past negativity. You did this in your letter. You wrote about your wonderful time with your family. Consider writing about more things for which you’re grateful. Perhaps you’ll want to start a gratitude journal - writing down one or two things every day.

Practice focusing on your strengths and not dwelling on mistakes you’ve made in the past. Interrupt harsh, self-talk judgment by stopping for a moment to consider a trait you consider positive.

Are you over-personalizing your experiences with others? When someone doesn’t smile at you, do you think it’s because of something you did to offend them? Or do you consider that they may be having a bad day. Over-personalizing can bring on negativity.

Consider if your thinking is strictly black and white with no room for the gray. Circumstances are rarely all negative or all positive. Most of the time, life is lived in the gray zone. 

Here are a few coaching questions to help you get started on your journey back to positivity. What negative memories are you wanting to understand or set aside? What future fears are catastrophic thinking? What’s one thing you can do now to help you get out of the Cave-Woman mentality and move forward?

Have a happy and positive New Year!

Mershon Niesner is a Certified Life Coach and author of “Mom’s Gone, Now What? Ten Steps to Help Daughters Move Forward After Mother Loss” which is available on Amazon; also, locally at Sunshine Booksellers and Keep In Touch. For more information visit www.mershonniesner.com. Email your coaching questions to askcoachmershon@gmail.com. Your identity will be kept strictly confidential.