Ask the Life Coach

Dear People Pleaser,

Ilene Cohen, therapist and author of When It’s Never About You, writes that people pleasing, the tendency to prioritize other people’s wants and needs at the expense of your own, happens for a range of reasons. If you’re used to putting other people first, it can be nerve-racking to stand up for yourself.

In your email, you write that the upside of people pleasing is being considered the responsible one and having people like you. However, as you’ve discovered, there’s also a downside. 

“Over time, the habit breeds resentment or it builds up your walls,” writes Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of Consider This: Reflections for Finding Peace.

All relationships require a little give and take, but if getting someone to like you more makes you like yourself less, it’s not worth the price. Here’s something to consider; accepting responsibility for other people does not equal being nice and saying no doesn’t equate to being mean.

Rachel Goss, Spiritual Growth Coach, gives helpful suggestions on how to change your behavior. The first is to acknowledge the “why” of your behavior. It seems you’ve already done that. You’ve also taken the responsibility to find ways to heal. Goss also suggests that you remind yourself that asking for other people’s approval means you’re giving up your own power. “Invest your energy in improving your relationship with yourself,” she says. 

You can do this through traditional therapy, hiring a Life Coach, or focusing on your wants and needs. Also, make an effort to become aware of what moves you into people-pleasing mode.

Ultimately, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with pleasing people. Just make sure you’re one of them. To do that, you must learn how to be comfortable with saying no.