Are You What You Wear?

I know, I believe it is you are what you eat? Over the years of being in retail and dealing with the public I have the uncanny ability of roughly figuring out a person’s personality by the watch or especially the jewelry they wear. I’m not saying my system is always spot on but in my mind it’s mostly correct, and that’s a crazy place to be.

In my world of jewelry, it can be low key or subtle; it can personify sophistication, class and practicality. Jewelry can also be ostentatious and downright gaudy to being even crazily crass.

It can be a difficult call every now and then on my scientifically calculated analysis. Nowadays most guys, except around my age, don’t wear a lot of jewelry, and some old timers barely wear a wedding ring. But the Timex wrist watch this guy is sporting was purchased decades ago when Nixon was president or maybe it was awarded to him after 25 years of faithful service at the John Deere manufacturing plant.

I’m not going to dwell on wrist watches as personality flags - that article got me in trouble with a shrink who demanded my credentials. I told him I’m an alumnus of the School of Hard Knocks.

So, I will stick with what kind of jewelry folks are wearing when they enter my establishment.

Years ago, “Her Royal Heine” entered the shop and at first glance I knew this was going to be a memorable encounter. I greeted her with a friendly good morning, and she grunted “I’m just looking!” It was impossible for me not to notice that she was dripping in what appeared to be diamonds. She wore enormous rings on nearly every finger and her wrists were layered with more diamond and stone bracelets that I had in stock - I couldn’t count the chains and necklaces she was wearing!

Okay, I know I should not judge a person by their appearance. Don’t forget I’ve been doing this jewelry thing for over a half century so I have acquired certain skills and I retain data both important and useless dealing with the human race.

But this sight before me…oh boy! Her coiffure was an “I Dream of Genie” hairdo, wearing the optimum amount of makeup, with inch long eyelashes. I was already gagging on the cloud of incredibly cheap perfume that followed her in, maybe it was the patent leather outfit (Why? It’s summer out there!) and the knock off Gucci bag that had me wondering if I was being “punked,” I didn’t notice any cameras and such.

I finally focused on her collection of “ice” (better known as “real diamonds”) that over-adorned this shrine of a woman… A micro-second later it hit me… This was a bonafide, in the flesh “Cubic Queen!”

Not one piece of jewelry on this woman was real jewelry, let alone real diamonds. She was awash in gold and silver plate and cubic zirconia. She peered into showcase after showcase snickering at this and that and after ten minutes of me gasping for air she asked me if I carried “Cartier.” I answered politely, no but Cartier in Naples does. “What about Tiffany?”  I mentioned while you are in Naples there is also a Tiffany shop there. “Do you carry Rolex?” Sorry, once again, I do not - there are no authorized Rolex dealers on the island, that last reply put her nose further out of joint. She continued cruising through the shop, touching this and that and disrupting all my shelf displays.

She hemmed and hawed, spewing disappointment, and was obviously not impressed with my level of merchandise. Finally, in what seemed like an eternity, she left the shop and climbed into her beat up 1998 Hyundai that needed a good wash. In the market for Rolex, Tiffany and Cartier, give me a break!

I ran to the back door and opened it wide to ventilate the shop. What a piece of work. She reeked of insecurity and I think she really believed she had the world fooled with her apparent show of “wealth.” I doubt the Native Indians who sold Manhattan 300 years ago would have accepted her junk jewelry as payment. A harsh assessment, maybe…you weren’t there getting lambasted for my lack of “quality jewelry.”

Men don’t escape my calculated assessment either. One afternoon in walks in the second coming of an eighty-five-year-old Elvis himself with jet black hair that shined like polished fiberglass, wearing exactly the kind of jewelry I refuse to carry. “What you all got in gold nugget jewelry?” “Sorry, none… don’t stock it sir.” “Why not?”  Not to be curt…but you are the only person that has ever asked for it. It’s more a western or Las Vegas thing, not many calls for it here in South Florida. Another disappointed customer - you can come up with your own mental assessment of an over aged Elvis lookalike.

Last but not least, one gentleman had me more than puzzled; around his neck was a heavy gold chain that had a crucifix, a Star of David and a Muslim crescent moon hanging from it!!! Talk about having your bases covered when you stand before the Pearly Gates! He was asking if I carried blue star sapphire rings, something that has not been in style since the 1970’s. Sorry no, but I do have quite a few loose stones I could put in a ring for you in a day or two.

“No, I can’t wait, I was hoping to wear it out of the store today!” I don’t know of a single jeweler in a 500-mile radius that would have that ring in stock in the year 2021! 

I’m a big fan of simplistic jewelry. Living and owning a jewelry shop here in Southwest Florida, it’s all about sea and wildlife or nautically themed jewelry. Keeping it simple and providing the best quality for the money has worked for me and my loyal clientele for over 25 years on Marco Island.

It has been a bizarre two years with the way the world has been going and I have had no lack of material to write about from the cast of characters who enter my establishment. So please don’t take offense if I appear to be psychoanalyzing you while you are standing there wearing a simple gold and diamond palm tree or sand dollar or sporting a magnificent diamond or precious gemstone ring. You will find out I am totally impressed with your taste in jewelry and personality because of your exquisite taste in jewelry, where I can put you in the category of a “fun loving, sensible normal person.”

Richard Alan is a designer /goldsmith and owner of The Harbor Goldsmith, Marco’s “go-to jeweler” since 1994 with over fifty years of experience in the jewelry business. He welcomes your questions and comments about “All That Glitters,” www.harborgoldsmith.com