All it Takes is a Few Minutes

Dear Missing,

Just like you, I rarely had a chance to talk with Shar, one of my lifetime friends. We’ve lived in different states since we left our cozy, college dorm room a lifetime ago. Living under a roof with three generations and having scheduled child-minding duties keeps my friend busy. Her time is more limited than mine. Like you, the dilemma was carving out a regular time to talk.

With this in mind, I recently read about the “8-Minute Phone Call.” In her New York Times article, Jancee Dunn, wrote about persuading her busy friend to give the eight-minute call a try. “Come on, I wheedled. You can do it. The president of the United States could probably do eight minutes! I promise not to go long. Name a time.”

It’s hard to say no to just eight minutes. To her delight, her friend said yes and so did mine! 

Here’s how the 8-minute calls with my friend have gone so far:

First call - Bring me up to date about you and your husband—no talking about grandkids today.

Second call - She asked me to talk about my recently published book. 

Third call - My friend used her time to tell me about a cool memoir writing prompt she and her husband are doing together.

Fourth call - I expressed my feelings about aging and how it’s affecting the image I have of myself. She briefly reported that her son and family are coming for a visit.

We discovered it works best to alternate who uses most of the time. The other person does a quick check-in and response. Of course, if there’s a crisis that needs discussing, more time is allowed.

We talk every other week and schedule our call earlier via text.

I was smiling when I hung up after our first call. I missed my friend. Hearing her calm voice and feeling her non-judgmental empathy reminded me of why we’re forever friends. It’s surprising how much can be covered in a short time when the conversation is focused.

Dr. Robert J. Waldinger, an American psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, Zen priest and director of one of the longest-running studies of adult life ever conducted writes, “A few adjustments to our most treasured relationships can have real effects on how we feel, and on how we feel about our lives - a gold mine of vitality that we are not paying attention to.”

In just eight minutes, you can mine the gold of vitality. Will you give the 8-Minute Phone Call a try? Let me know how it goes with your friend.